rowland manthorpe dot com

My father died three weeks and one day ago today, at roughly 10am on Monday 6 April.

A week and one day ago today, on Monday 20 April, we buried him.

I have nothing to add to these statements.

I’m always happy to discuss my current emotional state, as anyone I’ve spoken to recently will know. I’ve become incredibly popular in the last three weeks, apparently as fascinating to others as I am to myself, and I have disserted at great length on my favourite subject: me.

But I don’t really have anything to say at all.

In this situation, people often tell you that they can’t imagine what you’re feeling. I think they mean that they cannot imagine the strength of your emotions; those extremes of sadness or anger you surely must be experiencing. What they are certain of, however - and I have felt certain of this in the past - is that your emotions are strong and clear, that they rule you like a great passion. Nothing could be futher from the truth, at least so far as I am concerned. Passion is engrossing, captivating, gripping. Yet in the last few weeks I have felt bored more often than I have done for years. The dominant emotion? Not sadness, or anger, but confusion.

A comparison: imagine being stuck next to a speaker at a concert when the volume is suddenly thrown up. Louder and louder it goes, far beyond the point when it might improve hearing. Your whole body vibrates. Your ears ring in not-quite circles. From this moment onwards, there is no sound in any true sense. Sound has become noise. In the end, the ringing in your ears will seem just like the ringing of silence.

For me, this is the experience of grief. The volume gets turned up, but everything is muted. It’s fine really. Very much like normal life. Just, occasionally, something will turn up to remind you that you are listening to the world in stereo, watching it in Technicolour.

Anyway. Enough. You can read the eulogy I gave at my father’s funeral here. It, too, has nothing to add. My hope is that - for once - it isn’t taking anything away. That is the goal right now. That is the endeavour.

Many many thanks to all those who have contributed, in particular those who have written. I haven’t replied, but I have read. Thank you.

Tweet This  Delicious This  Digg This